Helpful New York Tip #7

"So, when do you want to put the wreath up? "

"I dunno. When do you want to put the wreath up?"

"Well, why don't we do it when there's a long line of people trying get onto campus?"

"You read my mind."

Helpful New York Tip #6

If you are going to go around the city tagging your street name on everything, make sure people read it the way you intend it. I asked three people about this one, and no one said "Foreplay." They all said 4-ply, like the toilet paper.

Always do the proper test marketing before promoting your street name. It's a media-savvy city.

Helpful New York Tip #5

If someone has put up something you don't like, scratch it off the wall with your fingernails. This may take a while, but you'll leave with a sense of personal satisfaction.

Helpful New York Tip #4

Defacing public property can be time-consuming and stressful. You can cut down on the time needed on-site if you prepare your messages on some sort of sticker, then slyly attach these to advertisements, walls or other high-traffic areas. It is often considered more ironic if you use a sticker intended for official use, although "Hello My Name Is" stickers will work as well.

My favorite thing about making a photograph in the subway is that when I switch my pocket camera to "macro" mode and get really close to some detail to take a photo, everyone looks away and pretends disinterest. After I finish the shot and walk off, they nonchalantly walk over to the spot to see what was so interesting.

Found the above sticker on the same day Richard Quest was arrested.

Helpful New York Tip #3

If you wait until March to throw out that Christmas tree, you can avoid the congestion at the curb. Why rush?

Helpful New York Tip #2

When discarding your television onto the street (perhaps you feel pressured to do so, since everyone else is) don't just toss it onto the hard sidewalk. Place it on a mattress. That way you can maintain a comfortable distance from other trash and discarded televisions.

Helpful New York Tip #1

If your elevator is smelly, place "stick-up" deodorizers in it. Place them up high. It may help with the odor, and not that many people look up there, generally.